running around leaving scars }{ tagged - lily

[severus allen snape]

The starry sky was shouded in clouds that only the moon was strong enough to peirce through. A darker night than usual seeped down from the sky to the grounds below, and crawled up the large walls of Hogwarts. The astronomy tower, one of the tallest peaks, shot up into that dark, and blanketed itself with the dark from the bottom, becoming almost nothing from far away. As Severus drew nearer the open door on the seventh floor, his wand alighted with lumos could just barely be seen through the narrow windows. The only star visible to those looking for it. He stepped into the tower room, and hesitated for a moment in the frame of the doorway. His eyes adjusted quickly to the empty place before him, almost like he was too accustomed to dark places to be surprised by any lurkers. He kept his wand down at his side, letting it just grace his path towards the window straight ahead, he needed it for the moon was small tonight and without a light, he might as well have just disappeared. It wasn't, however, the silence or the solitude that brought Severus to the astronomy tower this night. It was the simple proximity the room had to Lily Evans. Gryffindor tower was nestled on seventh floor as well, and Severus hoped that she would make a trip here tonight...if even just past the open doorway, so he could at least be inspired by the sight.

Earlier that day, as Severus had pushed through his classes and cut a groove into his lower lip from all the bitting, he had been thinking about Lily. They had lately fallen apart, with no doubt in his mind due to the fact that James Potter had taken a fancy to her. He couldn't deny, however, at least not to himself, that he was also a reason for their inevitable drifting. Severus was one more teenage boy to fall victim to Slytherin's delightfully awful gang of pureblood wizards, and Lily was prey to their prejudice. He never meant to hurt his only honest friend, but something inside him did for one moment want to be a part of something powerful and grand. Slytherin was the house for that, if you were truly willing to go out and get it. Severus, having never known what it was like to really be considered something of value, fell in love with the idea just as much as he had fallen in love with Lily. Only problem was, sixteen year old boys never thought very clearly when it came to those two very things. Power and sexuality would most likely be his downfall. And pondering all of this in the dark of that astronomy tower gave Severus a little humility. If only she would walk by, he was sure he'd be able to see her red hair in that pitch darkness, and then the pit of his stomach would really feel the knots get tigher, pinching off his natural human feelings.

[lily anne evans]

The night was pitch black. Lily hated pure darkness. Particularly on the nights she was left to help do rounds for Prefect duties. She and Remus Lupin had been doing patrols by the library with Professor McGonagall for what seemed like ages. Before Lily could head back up to the Gryffindor Tower and call her night quits though, she made a slight detour. She knew Amelia Bones was patrolling the Towers tonight and wouldn’t give her any penalty for wandering off.

Why the detour to the Astronomy Tower? Lily simply fancied it. She liked the idea of being at one of the highest points of the castle and being able to look out into the endlessness of the grounds below. More importantly, there was a spot where she could lay out in the icy cold and look up at the sky. She had done this many times in the past. She would lay there until her hands and feet felt numb with the outside air. She would feel sufficiently replenished in terms of oxygen intake and she could take pleasure in the quiet sort of meditation she took away with her. In addition to all that, it made her feel drowsy and gave her more incentive to go climb into her bed back in the girls dormitory.

Lily’s wand light led her along the eerie corridors and through the night. Only once did she stumble into a Professor. It was kindly little Flitwick who gave her a nod, knowing she was headed back to her common room. Sometimes, Lily laughed at the idea that she could get away with a lot if she wanted. The Astronomy Tower trips were so light-hearted. They didn’t cause any damage and weren’t a problem. The Tower was one of her little getaways. It wasn’t some mischievous night time rendezvous of sorts.

She climbed the spiraling staircase and mused at how many staircases the castle had. She wondered if anyone had ever counted them all. Maybe that would be her scheme of the term, to count all the staircases. It would be completely and utterly ridiculous a task, but fun nonetheless. Once Lily came to the top of the stairwell, she peered through the doorway into the massive tower’s space. She spied a tiny pin prick of light and thought her imagination must be playing tricks on her. No one else would just take her thinking place from her like that. Being Lily Evans though, she knew she had to investigate. What if it was a younger student who was lost? Or, what if it was a sleep walker or a prank player?

“Is anyone in here?” Lily asked, calling out very calmly and clearly. “Come on, I can see your light.” She prodded gently, her tone politely seeking response. She moved closer to the little pin prick and realized how steady it was. Maybe it was only a reflection. And then, the shape came into view. It was a person, that was for certain. She then picked up pace and sped forward to see who it was. Lumos solem. Lily cast the silent spell and lit up the room. Suddenly, she knew all too well who it was.

“You.” That was all she could get out at first. It was somewhere between shock and hurt. She felt her brow furrow slightly and she felt defensive. What was Severus Snape doing here? Why was he there? Lily couldn’t think of anything else to say. She merely stood there, staring, and feeling invaded somehow.

[severus allen snape]

The chilly air was blowing in steady and cold into the astronomy tower. The night was lengthening but time was standing still for Severus. Nothing would deter him from this spot tonight, not like he wanted to be sent back to his dorm where it was just as cold and unfeeling as this place was. He rarely spent time calming himself when sitting in silence and mediation, instead he would stand waiting for something to happen, thinking only of what he wished would appear before him. And in this way, he only worked himself up more, only hurt himself, broke his own heart when his expectations weren’t fulfilled. Could it be that tonight, however, he’d be surprised at the wish come true. At first maybe, but the night wouldn’t go his way, it never really did, and though he’d learned to accept it, the feeling of letting her down was enough to cover himself in agony. Standing at the edge of the window sill, his back to the night sky, his hearing was muffled by the wind hollering around outside. The hallways were dark still, and he couldn’t hear a thing. His black eyes zoned in and out of vision as he stared at the open doorway, and the approaching light snuck up on him, and he barely even noticed before it was nearly upon him. With a quick jump backwards, and a worried expression clouding his thoughts, Severus couldn’t wait to see who it was that caught him here. A secret wish welled up inside of him that it would be her instead of some prefect with a grudge and too much power in their hands.

He didn’t have to wonder long. The entire tower lit up in an instant. The brown, and white stone uncovered itself from the blanket of black that rolled away, but it all happened so fast and Severus didn’t bother to take it in. His eyes were fixed right before him because her voice had shown him the light even before her spell took wind. It was Lilly, standing just before him, her eyes dancing with that green light. Her wand was poised up, ready to strike, and Severus nearly forgot he had his own dangling next to him. He wouldn’t need it, why would such a thing happen here, late at night, with just the two of them? Lily’s voice gasped in slight shock, but the open sadness and hurt couldn’t be ignored either. Severus looked at the floor for a moment, like a dog with its tail between its legs, he knew that being humble wouldn’t change anything, he just unconsciously hoped it would. He glanced back up at her, still lost for words, still stumbling with the idea that she had come to him, when he most wished she would. He let his wand light go out, and shoved it in his pocket, make sure she knew that he wouldn’t try anything, just looking for decent conversation. Friends came and went for Severus but lately they had mostly been gone.

Reaching down into his throat, Severus pulled up some words. They were ugly words, so quick and ridiculous and completely strange. ”You, you made it.” Of course, he didn’t exactly think of his words before his lips parted and they flew out straight for her open ears. Severus stumbled backward, his eyes still glued to her form, his thoughts running amuck. The stones were uneven and cold, and when one foot hit the edge and the other foot carried his body through the movement, Severus found that his arse hitting the floor was quite painful. He groaned in pain, and immediately looked away from her. His black hair dangled before his eyes, his hands leaned back behind him, holding him still in fear that his whole body would cave in from embarrassment. He longed for the dark now, hoped the magic would fade and hide him for what he really was and she would just remember him as before. But she can’t leave, she can’t remember me for that dog she thinks I am.. His thoughts swelled up inside of him, and he found two more words once again. They seeped up from the heart, so full of honest, raw emotion. ”I’m sorry.” His black eyes gazed through the wall of hair, to his once great friend.

[lily anne evans]

"I.... I made it? Have you been waiting for me Severus?" Lily asked. She tried to mask the tone of astonishment, but was failing. She was bad at covering up things when it came to shock or anger. More than once, Lily had been described as fiery. Now was no exception. She held her wand steady, unprepared for what this entire encounter entailed. If she and Severus were't friends anymore, was he just another Slytherin who would try to hex her for being a muggle born Gryffindor? Lily hated the idea of Severus, her childhood friend, turning to that. After the things he had said though, how could she think otherwise?

"Sorry?" She asked him. She hated this. It sounded far too much like some type of invitation for trouble. No matter what she said now, she couldn't go about this in the right way. This was beyond her. Lily could brew some of the most difficult potions in the school, but she couldn't deal with the teenage drama. That was ridiculous to her. That was petty and time consuming. She couldn't think of any logical way to handle how she felt. So, she spoke her mind. "And what, pray tell, are you sorry for? For fighting with me after I helped you? For ruining our friendship? For calling me something that you knew would stick with me and hurt? I don't believe you're sorry for any of it. So, don't bother lying." Lily spat out the words in a messy little monologue. She didn't want to be so harsh, but he deserved it, that she was certain. She felt her face growing hot and knew that, with her pale complexion, she's soon be red in the cheeks from anger.

Lily took a step toward the railing along the astronomy tower. She stood there, rigid, her wand still clasped in her now white fingers. She couldn't look at him. She was so frustrated more than anything. She dared him to tell her she was over-reacting, being too hard on him. She dared him to try and fix their friendship because things felt entirely broken now. She took a breath, one she'd been holding in. She felt so on edge that, had Severus taken so much as a step toward her, she'd turn around and bind him with Petrificus Totalus. Where and how had Lily come across so much anger?

[severus allen snape]

The light from Lily's wand wasn't dimming. It was showing every crevice on Severus' face, every glance at the floor or out the windows, every grimace when he felt that cold, dark feeling welling up inside of him. Nothing could hide him, he was a blind man who thought he was more handsome than any but the rest of the world could see him for what he really was, a scared face and a limp body. Lily was so angry, that was evident more than anything else. Other emotions layered ever deeper in her, but Severus was getting the brunt of her rage. His hands pushed harder into that smooth stone, for all he knew it could have been jagged rocks and he still wouldn't move for fear or self pity that weighed him down.

Her words made his seem so brainless and unworthy. An "I'm sorry" could never really make up for what he did, and so many people took more stock in actions than feeble words anyway. Of course Severus sorry, he was drenched in it. He regretted those words the moment they spat out of his villainous lips. That's what he thought of himself now-a-days, a villain, a horror in his own frightful film. No one would understand it, no one would grasp the idea because not even Severus could. As Lily berated him, his mistake crept up at him ever faster until it was staring him in the face. He was sorry, but he couldn't prove that until he explained why he'd done it in the first place. And "why?" was a terrible question. "I don't know where to start." His voice sounded shaky, and it trembled upwards quietly. He looked away from her, it wasn't really bearable to look into her eyes. "But I know that I am not lying to you, Lily and I want you to know that..."

Severus bent his knees and pushed his body forward, standing away from her in the corner of the tower. His breath was freezing before him, his skin full of goosebumps, but he didn't pay any attention to the cold that shrouded him. His preoccupations drifted him towards Lily and without a thought to her feelings towards him, Severus took three swift steps her way. "...I need you to know that." He was reaching out for her, just a mere step away. His hand were pure white, thin, and trembling with the edge of a cold night and hurt feelings.

[[ love the graphic ^__^ ]]

[lily anne evans]

Lily's anger was sizzling against the icy night. She closed her eyes, hard, and felt tears welling up. She wasn't the type to let them in. They weren't tears of sadness, they were the kind of hot tears that came up when someone was frustrated. She needed to get herself in check. She took a long, drawing breath and then let it out and listened to his words. "Then don't start at all." Lily sighed. Her voice was quiet, careful. She had erased her anger and now, her words seemed empty and unreal, robotic and lifeless.

"What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say? Do you want me to pretend nothing ever happened? Do you want me to pretend that I don't realize what my blood status is considered to you? Why don't we just laugh it off and pretend we've never fought before. We could pretend we're little kids again and we're at the park and Petunia is trying to persuade me that you're awful and you and I are making potions out of dirt and water. " Lily was rambling, never making eye contact with him. Her tone was still so dead. She couldn't possibly pull out dramatics to accompany her words. Lily was no drama queen, after all. No, she was realistic and her words, even if lifeless, hit hard in their own way.

"All things must come to an end Sev. I'm afraid our friendship lasted much longer than it ever had potential to anyway. And I don't say that to be mean, I don't say that to be harsh, I say that because I'm being honest. Has we met on the train to school that first time or in the great hall after being sorted, we'd have been set for hatred from the start, right? So, maybe this is just how everything balances itself out. This had to happen eventually." Lily hated herself for saying the things she was saying, but she couldn't stop. It was as if she had missed her best friend for so long and had been dying to talk to him and this was the first time in months she was able to have a conversation with him and even if it was unfortunate, there was a guilty need for that conversation to happen. Lily turned around to face Severus and finally met his eyes. She'd made sure she wasn't anywhere near tearing up now.

"This is just how life works, isn't it?" She asked him in the kind of tone that would stick with her. Those could be her last words to him, ever, and it would make sense. This moment in time, atop the astronomy tower, in the night, with no one around, puzzle pieces were coming together mentally and things were making sense.

[thanks. <3 sorry it took me ages to reply back.]

[severus allen snape]

The wind whistled and howled outside the astronomy tower. The ground seemed to have disappeared below a haze of black sky. The cold pierced down into the nothingness and Severus thought of how soft the ground would feel after a jump; how the grass would surround his aching body, slowly encasing him as he was left there to rot away after the quick stab of death. No one would care to bury him, just shroud his body in a charm to conceal that ugliness from the eyes of the innocent, or the beautiful. Lily would glance down after him, and see nothing, Severus would be engulfed. A rough breeze knocked through the windows and smacked cold against Severus' face. His hands fell to his side, his hair blew before his eyes, and he shivered. Lily's voice was a lifeless lump in his throat, and it still managed to pull up against his heart strings. She was ending them right then and there, ending all possible reconciliations.

The memories of their childhood grew up out of him, like a vision before his eyes. She blended into the background, talking to him through her slender, nine year old figure, like a strange little flower. His younger self was full of a dark mystery, because he couldn't remember how things could have been brighter. He had ruined it, with a nasty little word, and a reputation with the wrong side at the wrong time. The school and all of its inhabitants were anticipating a long war, a lot of death, and the end to innocence for a long time. Now it seemed that Severus had gone on and started it all by himself. The onslaught from Lily was brutal, and it pained him even more to think that what he had done was worse. He still didn't get it, he still didn't know how he could do such a thing to someone he loved. Was it the pressure of friendship? Ruin one to gain more. Severus, though, didn't want anyone but her. She was speaking more and more about their time being up, and Severus was losing himself in the warp, almost feeling like he had been pushed off that ledge a moment too early.

"Lily, we can fix it. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it. You must know I'd never mean such a thing as ugly to you..." He was pleading with her, knowing the fight was already lost. The dark side was prying in on him, their hands looped through all emotion, leaving physical acts desperate and confusing. He looked behind her, and then back into her green eyes. His heart startled him, and he did the only thing he could think of. He bolted. His fear now possibly ruined the only chance he had of fixing anything, and as a coward he fell against the wall, stumbling down the corridor. Lily you're better off without me..I he gulped, gasping for breath and running down the stairs. I love you. The words echoed against his skull and stabbed him in every nerve.

[lily anne evans]

It was like watching a car crash happen right in front of innocent eyes. A friendship was ending. The death of a friendship as strong as the one Severus Snape and Lily Evans had managed to harvest over all those years was the same as the death of a living, breathing person. The future for that person had come to a halting end. It wasn’t a real person though. It was two people who were being torn apart by themselves. Lily could tell herself over and over that this was what needed to happen, but even she had trouble trusting herself in that conclusion. She couldn’t even audibly admit it to anyone, even herself, but part of her really loved Severus. He was her best friend. Watching him run off with an unfinished sentence hurt her. He’d be gone now. She felt stupid and mean and as if she had become some terrible person. Lily was always handing out second chances. Why couldn’t she seem to let go?

Lily turned her back on the room, feeling more alone than she could describe. Sev was gone. He’d be a stranger to her now. He’d be one of them. He’d be just like Malfoy and Avery. Lily’s stomach knotted at the thought. How could she possibly categorize Sev with those two? Severus wasn’t like them! Was he? Holden Avery was the most disgusting, cruel, demeaning human being that Lily Evans had ever encountered in her life so far. Could Severus really be friends with that scum? Lily had so much difficulty believing that.

She looked out onto the grounds and tried to take a long breath but choked on it. She hadn’t realized those tears she had held back were now settled on gentle streams down her cheeks. She felt so small. Strangely, she didn’t find herself wishing that Sev would turn around and come back or that James would suddenly appear or anything like that. No, in a moment right then when Lily was crying and feeling miserable and lonely, she wished more than anything else in the world that her sister Petunia had been a witch and was there to comfort her. It was a silly thing to wish, especially given Tunie’s hatred for magic, but Lily wanted her sister there. Lily imagined that look Petunia would give her. Her sister would look scolding at first. She would say, ”I told you so. That Snape boy was rotten all along Lils.” But then, she’d hug Lily and she wouldn’t look so smug, but only be comforting because that’s what sisterhood had meant to them all along. It wasn’t about being right or wrong, it was about having enough trust in each other to admit it and to still care and still be there with love and open arms. Petunia wasn’t there though. Neither was Sev. Neither was James. Neither was anyone. So, Lily wiped away her tears and stood a little straighter. She was a big girl and she could stand alone. She didn’t need anyone cleaning up her arguments.

[gosh, i'm an idiot! i didn't know if this thread was ending or what. so, i posted. <3]

[lily anne evans]

closed.